One of my favorite parts of participating in the Little Alters Full Moon art exchange project hosted by Peg Gyldenege in 2013 is seeing the body of work that I created.  So often we forget how we are.  Others see it, but we put our creations out there and may or may not see them.  Because every artist was remote for the entire project, we had to take photos and write about what we did because we wouldn't even see one another until the full year was over.  

When we started, MY FEARS were: 

• I'm not good enough. 
• All these other artists are REAL artists. They're talented, they know their craft. My work will just seem childish and unfinished.
• I'll be the odd one out because they all know how to work with metal/glass, but I don't like or choose to work with metal or glass. 
• No one will like or appreciate what I do. I'm too weird.
• What if I have artists block and can't think of anything to make? 
• How am I ever going to fill each block on that tray? It's SO daunting.

When we finished, I LEARNED this about my own skills and art:

• I am a very talented sculptor
• My creations, no matter how far apart are consistently me.
  
• My art has a childish, cartoon-like sense about it and other people like it
• I'm very creative and think outside the box not only in my engineering and business work, but also in my art.
• I like to challenge myself, but need to have some stability, familiar territory & structure while I explore and challenge.
• Just try. Trust. Then try again.
• Follow your intuition and instincts. If you don't you're fighting yourself and the universal flow that is being offered to you. Swim upstream if you must, but you'll be happier if you flow with things.
• Step away from your work for a while (days, weeks, months, a year), then when you come back to it you'll fall in love with your own work. 

Little Alters August Moon was here and I needed to create fast. I discovered a couple offerings at Impress and took 2 calligraphy classes from Caitlin Dunden.  Fascinated by what I learned in her class, I researched and observed that many calligraphers write on top of water colored paper.  I like using new techniques each moon and was excited to introduce watercolor and calligraphy to my contributions for Little Alters.  I would create only 1 card with the words “What If” and a simple, elegant border surrounding, no flourishes.  Then, I’d provide a story of what if’s that might hide behind it in the space. 

I thought it would be fast and simple to make. 

I worked every day on my calligraphy – learning to spend 1 -2 pages on just practicing letters before starting anything.   I stumbled because my body was healing, which meant lots of sleep and not enough time to create.  When I did create, nothing, I mean nothing, would come together like the vision that came to mind.   When the full moon came along with our little alters deadline, and then it went and yet still nothing would come together, I thought, “Should I give up? Should I say Sorry I’m not going to make it. And Cry Uncle?” Not finishing felt like letting Marilyn down.  Even though, there are times when it's really ok to say - I just cannot pull this together, I still felt like I was letting the whole Little Alter's team down.

I had a sense, a teeny, tiny, constant feeling to keep going. Even if all I was doing was to practice my calligraphy.  So, I would pick up the pen and write my what if’s.  If you’re familiar with Abraham Hicks, then you may have heard of the “What If” game, where you dream up your amazing life by asking “what if…” followed by stating a piece of the amazing life you dream of having.  I would like to be there, but I’m not yet in the phase of, “Oh I deserve this awesome life, so I’m dreaming it and I can really see it happen”.  I’m more at the phase of belief/dis-belief.  One my consider it, between cautious optimism and pessimism.  Before I can climb the ladder to enthusiastic belief, I need to explore the previous areas.  Sometimes, when we are low or unable to let go of fear, that means, vocalizing and acknowledging deepest fears.  Other times when we’re not so deep in the world of fear, but not quite yet wearing our rose-colored glasses, that means wondering if it could really happen.  And so, my What If’s live in that middle purgatory or middle earth.

• What if Amazing Things Happened? 
  
• What if he chose me? 
  
• What if I was loved? 
  
• What if I let go? (Oh my God I don’t know if I can do that!)
  
• What if my dreams came true? 
  
• What if I didn’t have to live like this? 
  
• What if I could? 
  
• What if I did?
  

One of the days I was writing my what if’s in hopes of creating my final alter project, I fell into deep anger and unhappiness. My What if’s landed in that dark, murky pool of fear and anger.

• What if I stopped talking? 
  
• What if I stopped communicating? Would anyone even care? 
  
• What if I didn’t try, didn’t care? 
  
• What if it never happened? 
  
• What if others stopped pressing their guilt on me? 
  
• What if I never made any new friends ever again?
  
• What if I never felt happy again?
  
• What if I was always angry?
  
• What if I hated everyone and everything?
  

And… that sort of helped break me.  Of course, there were lots of tears – anger, frustration, fear, sadness, loss, humiliation, confusion, or hurt.  Ok. So what if it didn’t get any better than it is right now? Ok. I’m there. And as Reba says, “When you hit rock bottom you’ve got two ways to go, straight up or sideways.”  I skittered sideways for a while. That was ok, but definitely hard. 

And then, something magical happened about 4 days after the full moon. 

There’s a set of drawers I bought a couple years ago that has been in storage ever since. I didn’t know what to do with it and didn’t like the color. Then, it was about to get tossed or sent to the garage sale pile.  But, this personal alter space (about the size of a personal café table) that I’ve been trying to create all of a sudden had it’s base on which to build, it was that set of drawers!  And, because I’d been letting go (that’s what you do when the moon is waning) and thanks to how much I’d learned about layering acrylic paints, I was able to fully let go and slap all kinds of crazy colors of paint on the little set of drawers. I just whack, slap, slather – whoa! That looks cool!  It looked like a carpet, some boho-chic style thingy that one would pay lots of dinero for. Go me!  Slap, slap, slap. It's far from done, but I'm loving it all the way on the journey!

On the 5th day after the full moon, the full magic of the alter space happened. 

I took myself to breakfast.  I enjoyed the morning, the food, and a walk.  When I got back, I checked my mail and received a package from Marilyn (we’re trading this month).  In it was a key. A key to a journey.  She gave me both lock and key.  The key was a necklace with beads Marilynn had created and the overall sentiment was to use the key to unlock the journey to whatever I needed it for.  I put the necklace on, wore it all day and all while creating my What If Cards.  Marilynn – it helped me so much! The sound was delicious and it was all just what I needed to help me finish my August Moon alter piece.

It took me nearly all day, but the time passed gently and easily.   I wanted to hang the cards on a hook in the space. So, I dug through my paper stash looking for pre-cut ATC water color paper and found these cute little tags with holes that were a little smaller than the alter space – that meant I didn’t need to cut down or resize them.  Then, I dug out my watercolors and discovered my brand new tube of Opera Pink (can you say neon?), and also colors that were created from gemstones – sugalite, turquoise, manganese, and fuchsite.  So, I have a way to incorporate gemstones and their energy properties into my work. I love drawing in mother earth!   On I continued with my slapping of paint , a little here, a little there;  oh sloppy fun.  

After painting both sides and waiting for them to dry, I got out the sumi ink, Caitlin gave us to try in our second calligraphy class she taught at Impress.  Let me tell you, it was love at first write. I’m not sure I want to use India Ink anymore. Sumi is SO smooth, fluid, and much more forgiving.  Plus, I got less gunk on my nib as I wrote. I practiced a full sheet of W’s – W, W, w, W, W, W … round ones, looped ones, sharp ones, big ones, flourished ones, plain ones, until my hand needed a rest.  Then, I dug out the sheets, quite a lot thank you, of “What If’s” I’d been writing over the last month.  I starred ~ 9 of them, one for each card.  I started writing “What If” on the front of every card.  Then, after letting the sumi ink dry, I flipped them and wrote the finish to each “What If”. 

While I let the backs dry, I dug around in my stash for a hook.  I kept thinking “cup hook”, but didn’t have one. Then, I looked at one of the future alter spaces where I’d been storing a wee hand I’d sculpted months ago in polymer clay.  I shaped the hand into a mudra, middle finger to thumb , a form of prayer and energy transmission.  And you know what? The tags/cards actually fit perfectly onto the hand AND if held upside down (as in the fingers pointing to the ground, wrist to the sky), it worked as the perfect hook.  Magic! Simply magic. Oh, my little house Faeries are so helpful!!  

Thinking back over the last month of calligraphy practice, I know now that none of the time was wasted. Not one minute. I needed to practice my penmanship.  I needed to process all the emotions and am grateful each day of making mistakes and practice helped me do that.  And, in the end, the final product doesn't hold the energy of my anger or fear.  I observed that when art is made in the negative state, no one wants it. Why? Because it holds that energy and can transmit to the buyer or receiver.  I've long needed avenues to process my negative emotions, but definitely don’t want anyone else to be impacted by them if I can help it.  Combine that with my deep desire to not create waste, and it’s a bit of a kerfuffle.

 But this moon, the universe taught me to just keep practicing without trying to force every practice into something sale-able, usable, or defined as “valuable” by the current world standards.  It taught me to work daily, even for very small amounts.  And then, when the inspiration finally culminates and strikes like lightning to Tesla’s coils I will instead offer to my creation, my joy, my appreciation, my gratitude, and my delight at the amazing and finished piece of art that just might be, quite sale-able indeed.