I thought it would be fast and simple to make.
I had a sense, a teeny, tiny, constant feeling to keep going. Even if all I was doing was to practice my calligraphy. So, I would pick up the pen and write my what if’s. If you’re familiar with Abraham Hicks, then you may have heard of the “What If” game, where you dream up your amazing life by asking “what if…” followed by stating a piece of the amazing life you dream of having. I would like to be there, but I’m not yet in the phase of, “Oh I deserve this awesome life, so I’m dreaming it and I can really see it happen”. I’m more at the phase of belief/dis-belief. One my consider it, between cautious optimism and pessimism. Before I can climb the ladder to enthusiastic belief, I need to explore the previous areas. Sometimes, when we are low or unable to let go of fear, that means, vocalizing and acknowledging deepest fears. Other times when we’re not so deep in the world of fear, but not quite yet wearing our rose-colored glasses, that means wondering if it could really happen. And so, my What If’s live in that middle purgatory or middle earth.
- What if Amazing Things Happened?
- What if he chose me?
- What if I was loved?
- What if I let go? (Oh my God I don’t know if I can do that!)
- What if my dreams came true?
- What if I didn’t have to live like this?
- What if I could?
- What if I did?
One of the days I was writing my what if’s in hopes of creating my final alter project, I fell into deep anger and unhappiness. My What if’s landed in that dark, murky pool of fear and anger.
- What if I stopped talking?
- What if I stopped communicating? Would anyone even care?
- What if I didn’t try, didn’t care?
- What if it never happened?
- What if others stopped pressing their guilt on me?
- What if I never made any new friends ever again?
- What if I never felt happy again?
- What if I was always angry?
- What if I hated everyone and everything?
And… that sort of helped break me. Of course, there were lots of tears – anger, frustration, fear, sadness, loss, humiliation, confusion, or hurt. Ok. So what if it didn’t get any better than it is right now? Ok. I’m there. And as Reba says, “When you hit rock bottom you’ve got two ways to go, straight up or sideways.” I skittered sideways for a while. That was ok, but definitely hard.
And then, something magical happened about 4 days after the full moon.
I took myself to breakfast. I enjoyed the morning, the food, and a walk. When I got back, I checked my mail and received a package from Marilyn (we’re trading this month). In it was a key. A key to a journey. She gave me both lock and key. The key was a necklace with beads Marilynn had created and the overall sentiment was to use the key to unlock the journey to whatever I needed it for. I put the necklace on, wore it all day and all while creating my What If Cards. Marilynn – it helped me so much! The sound was delicious and it was all just what I needed to help me finish my August Moon alter piece.
It took me nearly all day, but the time passed gently and easily. I wanted to hang the cards on a hook in the space. So, I dug through my paper stash looking for pre-cut ATC water color paper and found these cute little tags with holes that were a little smaller than the alter space – that meant I didn’t need to cut down or resize them. Then, I dug out my watercolors and discovered my brand new tube of Opera Pink (can you say neon?), and also colors that were created from gemstones – sugalite, turquoise, manganese, and fuchsite. So, I have a way to incorporate gemstones and their energy properties into my work. I love drawing in mother earth! On I continued with my slapping of paint , a little here, a little there; oh sloppy fun.
While I let the backs dry, I dug around in my stash for a hook. I kept thinking “cup hook”, but didn’t have one. Then, I looked at one of the future alter spaces where I’d been storing a wee hand I’d sculpted months ago in polymer clay. I shaped the hand into a mudra, middle finger to thumb , a form of prayer and energy transmission. And you know what? The tags/cards actually fit perfectly onto the hand AND if held upside down (as in the fingers pointing to the ground, wrist to the sky), it worked as the perfect hook. Magic! Simply magic. Oh, my little house Faeries are so helpful!!
But this moon, the universe taught me to just keep practicing without trying to force every practice into something sale-able, usable, or defined as “valuable” by the current world standards. It taught me to work daily, even for very small amounts. And then, when the inspiration finally culminates and strikes like lightning to Tesla’s coils I will instead offer to my creation, my joy, my appreciation, my gratitude, and my delight at the amazing and finished piece of art that just might be, quite sale-able indeed.